third shift...

moved to third shift the beginning of this week.  it feels neat to be awake while everyone else is asleep.  like i get to see the world while others are missing it.  did you know shit actually happens between the hours of midnight and 5am.?  I've been wanting to get away for sometime now.  i don't know what i meant by away but this seems to be fitting the bill.  i can still interact with the family in a sufficient way.  but i also get tons of time to myself now.  i think that is what i really needed.  to just be alone for a while.  i had this kind of time when i was younger but pissed it away being afraid of it.  i get to think what i want to think without the tv telling me what's best for me.  i get to ride like a son of a bitch and i don't have to dodge to many cars.  i can listen to what ever i want to at work and not worry about the old man turning it off while muttering under his breath.  i can leave my head shaved into a Mohawk and wear what ever i want to work while working at any speed i chose on what i chose.  it's almost like being in one of those movies where every thing and every one is gone.  only i get to interact with people after a while....when i want to.  Ha, as long as i keep putting the magic numbers into the machine every night my new little world won't explode.  tomorrow should be fun.  i get some time during the day with out the kids or wife.  i'll probably go to the book store or something like that.  i have to be careful, if i fall to deep into this i can get carried away.  i won't start collecting jars of urine or anything,  i just start to stop talking to people.  i get all messy with person to person interaction.  i'll also have time to start working on my artwork, motorcycle projects, .... maybe even learn a new language.  hhmmm, German, Latin, Japanese....yeah right, maybe i'll build a rocket and fly my ass to the moon too. 

things i don't miss; traffic, listening to co-workers bitch, prime time tv...

tough mudder...

12 miles, 28 obsticles, ice water, mud, rocks, swamp water, mud, electricity, smoke, walls, barb wire, mud, rope ladders, crazy monkey monkey bars.......something wrong with my knee, throbing ankle, taste of vomit in my throat, aching feet, muscles fatigued, thirsty....smiling, happy, proud......finished.

tough mudder...

we are going on a run and by we i mean me although i will have watchers of me i will run alone.  feeling kinda nervous, didn't get to train like i should have but o'well here we go.

junkie....

watching national geograhic taboo.  they are talking about junkies.  the one i take notice of is adreniline junkies.  they say these people are junkies and they feel the same thing as crack addicts.  is that really it?  the definition is that if you do something that is "dangerous" and have felt or know the "consequences" but continue to do it then you are a junkie.  really?  cuz every day i go to or come home from work on my bike i almost die.  really.  bu t i continue to do it.  and to be honest i keep looking fo r ways to "up the stakes".  i don't wear a helmet, i speed, i start shit with cars while i am on a very vonerable bike.  why.  they say that to feel like nothing else matters is more of a sign that you are addicted.  the base jumper says he is more alive than most other people will ever know. .. i have to agree with him.   those other people are dead already.  but maybe i am crazy.  did you know that you can become addicted to gaming.  there was a couple that let their baby die becase they were "to busy".   hmmmmm 



to be reformed.

many clubs...

     deer crossing saloon.  i have never even heard of the place and had it not been for a friend inviting me out there to a gathering of Motorcycle Clubs i still wouldn't.  it was a short ride from a usual meet up spot that feels like the middle of the city.  however, once there if you were not able to see the freeway from the bars lot you would think that you were in the middle of nowhere.  which is an interesting feeling when you don't wear colors on your back and you are in the middle of about 20 different clubs totaling out to be about 100 - 150 riders.  i have been riding for a while.  always by myself.  this is the first time that i have considered joining any club let alone a motorcycle club.  being there reminded me of a feeling i had one day when i was a kid.  i had gone on a trip with my dad and we stopped somewhere in new mexico.  the guy in line in front of us at a gas station had this huge six shooter hanging off his hip.  for some reason i wasn't scared, maybe because when everyone is carrying you know that people are less likely to fuck with each other.  who wants to get shot over some silly shit.  not many.  i don't know if any of these guys were carrying or not,  but what i do know is that nobody wanted to be the guy that started shit that was not going to be acceptable to anybody. 

after all that takes place at one of these events about 10 of us rode to a friends house.  it was more of the same.  you see when you ride alone people fuck with you.  really.  they cut you off, ride your ass and even try to share lanes with you.  all the time not really giving a shit at how quickly they could end your life.  BUT, when you ride in a group you have been made more of an equal.  who wants to be the guy that rides the last riders ass when he's trailing 9 other burly ass looking animals.  not many.  so maybe the animals have it right.  there is safety in numbers.

thinkers...

some people are good thinkers.  they think and think and come up with shit that can blow your mind away.  these people are capable of creating great arts of work.  and then there are some that over think.  i mean really.  they paint a beautiful picture and then ruin it by going back over it a thousand times to make "improvements".  there are some that take things that have been given to us and blow them all to shit with nonsense.  this is how i feel about the church and people that attend it.  or the people that write, sing, preach about and in general use God.  he is perfect just the way he is and i can feel and hear him just the way i am.  i don't need you to talk him to death.  i don't need to here you talk about what YOU think it all means.  most of YOU people are driving more people away from the church than you are bringing there.  and that is not a bad thing in some cases.  the church has developed into a country club for people who can't afford to go to richy rich ones.  you see them investing so much time into it, which would be a good thing, if they were not investing that time in order to receive "status" as a return.  hhhmmmmm.  think about that one.  rant complete.

180 miles

410, 151, 471, 1283, 16, 173, 87, 10, 410. it took about 8 hours.  there is something about being on the bike.  it brings you to that moment.  "you never feel alive like you were alive at fight club."  he should have road a motorcycle.  when i start thinking about work, trouble....bs in general.  i just look down at the pavement whizzing by at 70 miles per hour.  that's right boy-O, there she is, life.  right beneath your feet. you are in this moment.  one little slip and you'll know it even more than you did a second before that.  you feel the wind, the bumps in the road. you can hear the cars passing you.  other motorcyclists wave and you know they are saying to themselves...."yeah baby".  and then you find some little town to stop in and a chair or wall to lean up against.  it's like sitting back stage watching another few actors on stage, waiting for your turn to go out but enjoying the moment of being on the shelf.  you can see the actors reveling in the now-ness of life and the audience wondering what it would feel like to be so alive and at the same time lost in the story.  and then, that's it.  the food was good and the beers were cold but it's time to get back out into the sun.  30min,....an hour...it's been long enough.  i could do it again and again and again.  i hope everyone has SOMETHING that they are passionate about.

time and space..

i have not written in some time.  there is a lot going on and i probably could have written a great deal to date.  why i stopped has mostly to do with the lack of time, or the feeling that there is no time.  started training for the "tough mudder".  sometimes it's hard to believe that i get up and 4am and actually go run five miles.  running is not my thing and still lately i feel drawn to it.  maybe because the good feeling it gives you when you can see marked improvement.  was doing good in other areas of life as well until friday.  it's so easy to slip back into old habits.  i like the new me better than the old me, just have to stop letting the old back in the door.  i like the changes i have made and when i make old mistakes it really drains me.  what i want to do now is hit the rest button.  i want to say "i am ok, i am alive and have been given yet another chance at a good life.  i will not continue to make these mistakes anymore.  i must improve.  i will move forward and try to forgive myself for the mistakes i have made."  there, it's done.  we'll see how it works.

finaly

finally got the bike back.  gonna try to upload some pics and stories of some of my travels.  can't believe that it took a whole month to get it back from the shop.  damn insurance company dragging it's feet.  so, more to come.  hope everybody out in the world is doing well.

well...

     in school the yesterday one of the younger students asked the "professor" what he thought about osama being killed.  the "professor" answered..."don't really care at all."  and then the students echoed this.  "i know right, i mean who cares?"

     i don't know what the shit is wrong with these kids.  i know that we shouldn't jump around like idiots, but this is a man who is responsible for murdering thousands of people and setting certain events in motion that would inevitably end thousands more lives.  not to mention the lateral effect of affected family and friends.  it makes me sick to think about all the brothers and sisters that i have lost over in that shit hole part of the world. 

    also, i am glad that we disposed of his body in a decent fashion.  it shows that we are the bigger people.  we are not the savages dragging dead bodies around and beating them.  we are Americans and we have what it takes to guide our great nation into a prosperous, bright and decent future.  and yes, it does take whooping some ass every once and a while to live at peace. 

    to my brothers and sisters that are still abroad;  stay safe and come home soon.  we are proud of you.

ketchup...

in summary i guess:

*bike got hit by a lady in while it was PARKED.
*another lady literally tried to kill me and the police said that they could do nothing. 
*got a B on a test, didn't really affect me the way i thought it would.
*went camping, had a blast, miss it much already.
*had to take stone to the emergency room.  three hours later he was in emergency surgery.  i have never felt so weak and powerless.
*had a pretty good easter weekend until we had to take stone back to the e.r.  he's fine but it was worth the trip to mama for the peace of mind.
    
     waiting to get bike back from dealer all fix-ed up.  need to go on a nice long ride.  get away from things for a while.  away from the damn city.

well

     there's just not much for me to say lately.  i've been doing instead of thinking and planning.  camping, riding, birthdays ect.  i guess i'd like to stop and write but i would rather be living. 

something in losing...

     i have this habit of coming up with these ideas after a few beers.  stay with me here.  after a few beers i come up with these really intense, deep, twisted, beautiful ideas.  there like .....like gone with the wind, Sistine chapel, outsiders, epic ideas that could solve world hunger.  no, they are not drunken ramblings.  these are methodically thought out gems that would make nobel prize winners blush.....(ok maybe not that big, but you get the idea).  and so what i do is write down the "main" point of the whole thought thinking that when i see it the next day it will refresh my memory and i will be able to begin my dissertation on how a certain type of dragon fly could save the planet from us.  (usually i'll put just two or three words in a blog title and save it for the next day..see above)  you see to write the whole thing out at that very moment might take all night and i 'm far to busy at the moment of conception with moving onto the next grand epiphany, so stopping is not an option....obviously. thus the title of this blog, which was written a couple of nights ago.  i can't remember what it was that i wanted to say.....hmmmm "something in losing".  nope...not ringing any bells.  i am sure it was awesome while it was there and i am happy that i still have those moments of "new found wonder".  it's almost as if losing the thought and it's being so elusive is part of what makes it so beautiful.  wait-a-minute.....damn i 'm good.

dear lord..

dear lord,

thank you for the time you have given to me.  i hope that i have made you proud.  i know instead that i have fallen short, thank you for loving me anyway.  i look forward to seeing you soon.....well, not to soon.  i am happy, happy with what you have given me.  i feel like a spoiled child when i think about it on the whole.  i will do better to be more graceous, forgiving and humble.  what you have given us is horriblely beautiful.  i drink every drop, savor every moment.....in short... i waste not.
yours truely.
willie.

stone flirts hard...

     the other day we took the boys to eat and the waitress starts to flirt with stone.  (recently the boys had a "bike rodeo" at school.  up until then stone refused to pedal his bike, but for some reason being in the bike rodeo inspired him to start.)  so this waitress is flirting with him and he looks up at her with this smile on his face and says "i 'm pedaling now."  as if to say yo you better watch out girl because i am a big boy now....what time you get off?  that little boy is going to be trouble.

ride hungry...

     it's all i can think about.  when i 'm sitting here at work, when i 'm "supposed" to be watching bachelor with the wife, when people are talking to me.  i just want to get out there and ride. last night was softball night and we had a great game, everyone played well on both sides of the field.  i even had my first in the park home run.  i wouldn't say that i didn't or don't give a shit...i would say that it mattered little though, or at least less than usual.  normally i would hang around for a while, drink some beers and chit chat.  not this time.  i just wanted to take off.  get back on the bike.  it's nice to have re-found something that i am passionate about.  whenever anything else or even everything else is going hay-wire i have something to fall back on that makes me happy.  i sometimes wish that it wasn't something having to do with a material thing but it is.  that's really ok with me.  me without a bike is like a samuri without a sword.  it's just that simple, and that complex. 

sunday rides go like....

     yesterday when we got home my wife and the boys laid down to take much needed naps and i decided to for-go a siesta and instead throw a leg over crazy alice.  that's what i 'm naming my bike.  in the movie "Cowboys" a bunch of young kids want to go with John Wayne on his last cattle drive.  his original ranch hands got cases of gold fever and took off on him so the young boys were the only "help" in the area.  anyway, when they get to the ranch house John Wayne (who is not to keen on taking the boys) says "anyone who can stay on crazy alice for 10 seconds can come on to work."  his thought is that most won't try and those who do will leave crying after taking a little fall.  crazy alice is a wild ass mustang that John Wayne has not been able to break.  some ride and succeed, some ride and fall, but they all damn sure tried like hell.  i guess that is what touched me and something that i want to remember.  as long as i have the balls to try i guess that means i am still in the game.

     so back to the ride.  it was a nice little cruise threw the hill country just west of town on a over cast moderate temperatured kind of day that had the bikers out in packs.  at one point i crested this hill and to my left was this beautiful view of Medina lake.  the water reflecting the low hanging clouds and the rolling hills blending into both the sky and the lake.  it was hard to tell which way was which because of the way it all meshed together. and in that very moment i felt as though i was all meshed and blended into it all as well.  i was more a part of the earth, part of the wild openness.  if you take a road trip in a car it's nice, you listen to music, maybe read a book, talk about what color you should paint the living room and what kind of floors would go with it.  when you take a ride there is no glass keeping from "feeling" what you are seeing, nothing (or at least not much) between you and the pavement so you shut the f**k up and listen to the hum of the bike while the noisy, curt wind literally blows all the thoughts out of your mind.  you can feel all the things you were thinking about being whipped out of your head, almost like they are leaving threw the ends of your hair as it smashes around on top of your head like waves on a beach.  it's impossible to keep any kind of rubbish in your head.  all i think about is the next turn, the next hill, the next cool little nook that i 'm going to find that has been lost since people stop using horses to get around and instead trapped themselves behind glass and metal.  my only concern is weather or not i 'm going to need to down shift in order to get up that next hill.

     two hours later i was pulling back into the garage.  my head clear, ears ringing and my face that weird sort of numb that goes along with being beaten by head winds for some time.  not a long ride.  just enough time with just enough going on to remind you why you do it all in the first place.  guess i got my siesta after all.

and then it happened....

    i don't know how but it did.  if i wanted to i could go over it again and rehash all the details.  but not right now.  long story short it was a little fait and a lot of luck.  to stumble across it and then be lucky enough to have everything go just right is really not the way things normally happen to me.  i feel like maybe i should go get checked out medically.  may be "someone" gave this to me as a way to have a little bit of happiness before i take the "big trip".  but nah, that's sill i know.  i am just saying,....wow what luck.  and the more i do it the more i love it.  any time i need to think i just jump on and the wind blows it all away.  and i am good at it, really though.  some people can't poor piss out of a boot.  but i am really good at this and it seems to come naturally to me.  i just can't explain.  can't wait to take a trip.  up through texas, into colorado to navajo national forest.  that would be sweet.  the first time i got a bike i think i literally willed it into existance.  it happened the same way this time, hard to explain.  hoping for the best.

to say.

     to say that i have found it is to say that i never realized it was there in the first place.  hard but true.  the truth is that i always knew it was there.  as a matter of fact i HAD it before.  had it stolen, and only now realise how important it was...IS.  to some it is so trivial or even not logical.  but it makes me tick, it drives me.  shit, it's who i am, defines me.  the human spirit defined, the all being, all knowing, all danceing crap of the world....defined.  Me.

life on the run....

     "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways with a beer in one hand and a smile on your face;  body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!"."  

author unknown. 

words...

     taking little breaks here and there can really lend some perspective to things.  long story short i am glad that i took my little break from writing and other things.  for some reason being not productive at times helps me to take notice of the little things that really matter.  getting all caught up in the "normal" life is really a bitch and it creeps up on you so you don't notice it sometimes.  i think it has something to do with the way that i was raised, or the household i was raised in....hhmmm.  everything was always move move move, rush rush.  doesn't matter how, just get it done.  there's no rush.  everything is going to be fine.  i have to tell myself these things, other people just know them.  i know them also, but when you have a certain mentality drilled into you it's hard to get away from it.  like i said, this is me.  for better or worse, it's just me. 

lonesome dove..

i sit here watching lonesome dove.  and as the opening credits roll i think back to when i was a kid and we watched it on tv.  i would lay there and relish in the newness of life.  for a moment i wished to go back to that time.  sitting there young and open to the world.  till the thought comes into my head.."what would you give to go back there?"  "would you give up your boys to go back there?"  the ultimate sacrifice to gain the "ultimate" gift.  NO!  i have made my life and now i roll in it and enjoy it.  not to mention that to go back would go against the general leson of the movie it self.  life happens and happens as you make it, make it good!

funny enough, right as it was happening josiah wakes up and comes down stairs to watch the "cowboy" movie with me.  the old replaced with the "NEW" memories.  i am blessed.  from watching high plains drifter with my dad to watching lonesome dove with my son.  yep, i am blessed.  every day a gift, nothing but open doors and new opportunities. 

the day religon died....

     one day my ex and i went to church with her mother.  it was a very nice, well know christian church in southern california.  when i heard the sermon and started to think i remember ass the crap that i had been through in my life.  the bad decisions, the heartbreak, the abuse.  towards the end they asked if anyone wanted to be saved.  yes i thought, i want to be rid of this baggage. i took a leap of faith, literally.  i went up to the front and stood there as the pastor (or whatever they call him) began to pray for us.  i felt new, clean, absolved.  i was excited about the new joy that i had found.  on the train back to base that weekend i read my bible vigourusly and wanted for nothing other than to enjoy this new feeling.  after some time my ex moved down closer to me and we decided that we should go look for a church.  what luck!  there is a "name with held" right down the street.

     my ex had a 3 year old son from a boyfriend that had died in a firey car crash.  yes, really.  i was a new parent both to myself and to him, we were in a new town and this was a new church.  so you could understand why he was aprehensive about being left in the day care room while we went to see the sermon.  i tried my best to put on my "dad" voice and face to reasure him that he would be ok and that these were nice people.  it worked not so much and his mother had to step in and console him.  all very understandable i think. 

     out of the corner of my eye i can see a 40 something man in slacks and a long sleeve shirt watching us with his hands on his hips.  with disgust he pushed past us through the doorway of the day care and started to yell at what i asume was his son (a boy of about 6 or 7 sitting near the back of the class).

       "You will sit down, you will do what you are told and i don't want to hear any different or ELSE!"  he said all fire and brimstone-ish.  his son (who was sitting quietly reading a book) stood up and looked around with a kind of confusion that probably stays with a person for quite a while "wha..i was being a good boy?".  as for the man, well he walked off down a hall way and continued to mutter, loudly, "i am the man of my house..blah blah blah.."  what a dick i thought.  he didn't know what was happening, didn't know the situation, what kind of shit was that? and in church no less. 

     i blew it off.  i am an adult, in church.  who knows what that guys problem is.  my ex had calmed my step son down and we were able to take our leave.  into the assembly hall we go, find a seat, sing a little wait for the pastor.  low and behold who is it that comes out to help heal the masses.  the dick from the day care.  i couldn't believe it.  this is the man that is supposed to tell me how to get closer to god.  this guy that walks into a situation and throws half assed judgments around.  not even walks into a situation, because that would mean that something HAD to be done, he just threw himself into OUR situation that we were already handling. 

     there is no way that i can go into another church now and not see the man up there other than what he truly is, just some MAN, a corruptible, self absorbed, pathetic man.  using this position to make himself feel better, and not in a righteous, well intentioned and heart felt way.  nope.  he's just some asshole.  you knew him in high school.  he's the guy that got picked last at everything.  this is his way of fueling his ego. 

     that's the day that religion died and spirituality was born.  i don't need a man in a fancy suit to tell me how to talk to god.  i can do that all by myself, and do.  sometimes when i go out into the wilderness to walk or fish by myself i can feel his presence. i talk to him there and can feel his breath.  i don't have to have a building to go to and give money to in order to know that i am helping to do gods work, i can give to the poor directly or offer my time to a shelter. 

the end.

the one thing i should say...

i've been looking for it for quite a while.  the one thing i should say.  the thing by which to be judged.  the thing that will be remembered for all times.  the thing i should say to friends, family and all else.  it's not there.  there is no one thing.  if life was only that simple we would all be good at it.  we would all stop looking.

     the fact is that we have to be all things in between so that we might catch a glimpse of understanding.  you have to have equal parts warrior and poet.  time to stop looking and over thinking and just be, in the moment, living in and for the now.  we can not control anything else outside of that. 

stone is creative..

     there are many times that stoney says something, comes up with an idea or is playing by himself and i think to myself; "i need to write this down."  they are such small trivial moments but i know that they are the things that i am going to want to look back and remember.  he is so random and it really lets you know just how the big the world is...to them.  they don't opperate under the same constrictions that we do.  to them reality is as big as you can imagine.  and when you ask them a question you really just can't wait to hear what's coming.  first a story about a conversation josiah had with his teacher the other day.

Teacher:  "josiah can i take stone home so he can be my brother?"
Josiah: (without skipping a beat) "NO, go buy  your own!"
T:  "well where do you buy a stone?"
J:  "at the zoo!"
T: "really! how much does a stone cost?"
J:  "20 dollars." 

     everything cost 20 dollars to josiah.  now for one between stone and the same teacher.

T: "stone do you know where miss Michelle is?" (one of the other teachers who was out for the day sick)
S: "she didn't come today because she is at work."
T: "miss Michelle works here doesn't she?"
S: "no this is her house, and she had to leave to go to work." (matter of factually)
T: "where does miss Michelle work?"
S: "she cuts grass."
T: "do you work stone?"
S: "yeah with my mom."
T: "where? and what do you do?"
S: "at HEB, (the local grocery store) we shop."

     the other night was a soft, quiet and otherwise uneventful evening.  the air was cool and the breeze was just beyond still, it meandered around just enough to lull you to sleep with the false sense of security that it would  be the same when you woke up. the wind came in from the north west strong and hard as it banged up against the side of the house.  a parents intuition had us awake just before it came sweeping over us.  this allowed us to realize how drastically it had changed and we heard stoney immediately wake up and start to voice his fear.  both of the boys came to the bed and josiah fell back to sleep quickly obviously enjoying the warmth of the full bed and security of his parents proximity.  stoney however, must have had his imagination running full steam ahead.  i tried to ignore him and his constant moving so that i could get some rest for the next day of work.  his little voice in a half whisper would creep out into the space between us with all sorts of random insights.  the last of which was a exchange between his mother and he.

     "stoney, go-to-sleep."  mother said in a stern and less than patient voice. 
     "but momma, the bath tube is going to blow away."  to which we replied with our usual; smile, shake head, roll eyes and whisper "oh my stoney".

little things

     the other day i took josiah outside in the back yard to play.  after a while i started to pick up dog poop and josiah continued to play on his own, jumping off the deck, going down the slide and running from eva.  some time passed and i realized that i could not hear him anymore.  i must have gotten into my "work" and tuned out.  i turned around and saw him sitting under his slide closest to the side touching the ground.  he wasn't far away, which he could have done if he wanted to, instead he was close by but still somewhat hidden.  (i think this is because he DID want to tell me what happened but was still sort of scared that i would get mad.  so instead of running and hiding, he hid close by)  as i walked over and asked if he was ok he began to cry softly.  that's when i noticed that he had blood all over the front of his shirt, on his hands and running down his chin.

     "what happened son?"
     "your...your just, just going to be, be ssooo mad at me." sobbing lightly.
     "tell me what happened son and let me see your tongue."  i said in an affirmative but easy tone.  it was really all so adorable, save for the blood i guess.
well, he jumped off the deck and bit his tounge.  i took him inside and cleaned him up and explained to him that he could and should come to me when things happen.  "i may be upset but i will never be mad at you son."

        we came back out side so i could finish and he waddled after me, juice in hand looking oh so very "i've got a cool battle scar and i'am nursing it."  as i went back to work i kept an eye on him to see what he would do.  he promptly put his juice down and went over to the exact same spot on the deck to jump off of it again.  i watched him in curious bewilderment.  "don't most kids run away from the thing that hurt them?" i thought to myself.  without any hesitation he jumped off forcefully, really exaggerating the jump and landing.  he then stood up and looked back at the deck with this look in his eyes.  the look that says; "i am not scared, you don't scare me, i am not going to just give up and run...i'll show you...bitch!!" 

     i laughed out loud, really.  he is something else and if just part of me is what makes that up i am really proud and flattered.

worse than that..

     i'd like to talk about this old woman that i meet this weekend.  she was polite, friendly, inquisitive and not at all intimidated by me.  the later a major change from the usual.  i smiled and said excuse me and apparently she was able to look past all the things that others see and even complemented those things.  she asked me questions and WAITED for the answers.  i liked her very much and i imagine that she has had a good life.  with an attitude and charisma like hers i bet even the bad times were good.  i wish that i could have been more charming, the way i was when i was younger.  would-a, could-a, should-a.  as a matter of fact there were a number of people that were unusually kind this week end.  there was even a your girl traveling in a car next to me that, when i looked over, she smiled a really warm and genuine smile.  these people like animals must have sensed something.  or maybe "somebody" asked them to be nice.?.

      so my visit to the doctor for my first "i getting a little older and i may need to start keeping and eye on things" physical was pretty uneventful.  i did not expect to hear back from them and certainly not for this.  at 32 there is no way my cholesterol should be so elevated and when i asked if i could use diet and exercise to get it under control the nurse said "no mr. sanchez, you are way past that.  you will need to take medication along with diet and exercise."  wow.  really?  all the exercise and good eating that i have done and my body is still in disarray? i know it's "not that bad", i know that it could be "much worse".  it's still kind of a shitter though and i have a tremendous amount of questions.  how long will it be like this?  how bad is the medication?  so on and so on.  that's the big one though.  i don't want that stuff in my body.  if god made me this way then so be it.  i 'd rather fight it naturally.  hmmm  

blabber blabber blabber...

     i am a fan of Hemingway and i think it is time to pick up one of his books and stroll through that instead the stuff i have been lately.  i like his work very much.  i have read a few of his books and most, if not all, of his short stories.  i think that i have put him on hold for so long for a good reason though.  once i have read all his work then what.  once you finish all of them that's it.  there won't be any more.  it's like having a rare wine.  open it, finish it and then that's it.  you can't run to the store and buy more or go online and order more.....it's just gone.  anyway.

     my co-worker just played a quote on his computer from John Lennon.  something to the effect of...."  i am not afraid of dying because i don't believe in it, it's just like getting out of one car and getting into another.."  he said this in his last interview.  that's just kind of crazy.  i hope he believed in what he was saying.

     i feel better today than i have in the past few weeks.  making better decisions, having better days, those days lead to weeks and so on.  i hate to be shallow but it's also nice to be smiled at.  i don't really need to flirt and hooking up would be a world of useless trouble.  but when some one smiles at you and you can tell that it's heart felt and says more than just hello it's nice.  i think i am a pretty simple guy and that's usually all it takes for me to have a warm and fuzzy feeling for a while.  anything more than that is wasteful, glutenous and pointless.  from what i understand it's all pretty healthy to.

     i am bored.  sitting here at work is boring.  i guess i could work.  lord knows it's there and not going anywhere.  as a matter of fact soon we are going to need some materials that i should have had completed by now.  i am still probably not going to do it though.  funny huh?  i was just talking about making better decisions.  they'll get over it.

     my avocado plant is doing well.  i was gone for a week and then it just popped up.  really, from pretty much nothing to a five inch tree.  i think that's pretty good for a week.  wonder what happened.  i think that maybe by talking to it i gave some carbon dioxide that it needed.  yeah..... maybe not.  no matter how many times i spell avocado i always spell it wrong.  this last time i read the corrected spelling as i typed.

     it's a really nice day.  hate to be inside.  gonna see if i can figure out a way to leave early.  i'll pretend that i am james bond and i need to get out of this russian military installation without being seen.  then when i get to school to finish some paper work i need to do for the va, i'll pretend to be james bond pretending to be wil sanchez.  they'll never see it coming.

     no, i am not high.  just having fun.  used to do it all the time when i was a kid.  just because i am 32 means i can't pretend anymore?

      (i took a little break and made the mistake of answering the phone)  i wish sometimes that the person that is supposed to be my best friend would act like my best friend a little more.  i mean really.  i have to fight against all kinds of stuff pretty much non stop.  why does she have to pile on.  i hate when i feel like my "significant other" is stifling.....well....me.  i am not allowed to run around and be me because i am gonna catch shit.  i can feel myself shaking it off already though.  i am in to good a mode to let this drag me down.

     anyway.  it's time for mr. bond to make a break for it.  wish me luck.  if i am not back in two days.......i won the lottery, don't come looking for me.

......

...... he slid and shifted his weight, moving slowly from elbow to hip...hip to hand...hand to butt.  as he sagged back against the red brick wall of a mediocre building that cut the world off from this dingy ally he noticed a piece of glass sticking out of his palm.  with all the pain he was in the glass shard and it's attempt to add discomfort were inconsequential.  "not good" he thought only half interested in his dreamy daze.  his attention was drawn upward at the hulking mass of his ox like attacker.

     the man in a gruff and distant voice, "ready?".

     "shit no." he thought as he slowly came to realize the severity of his situation.  it was not a beautiful day, this was not a good place.  but for all his good intentions and attempts and heroism he knew.  this would be the time and place.  for a fleeting moment he began to regret his futile attempts, started to get pissed off at the fact that he wasn't going to come away from this one with the big win.  it was only a second and then he let it slip away as he did with so many things.  his thoughts became more lucid... "that wasn't the point, you knew there was no winning this.  be happy that you let them know not everyone will lay down for them.  you planted the seed of fear, and it's gonna grow like a bitch."  the ox shifted his weight snapping jack out of his self appeasing thought.  he, the ox, was clearly impressed and was being more gracious than he knew was safe.  "screw your grace", the thought that pushed jack to his answer.  he gave a broken but genuine smile and slowly coughed up a laugh.  it was his last act of defiance.  he was going to give them the finger one more time.  the more he thought about how it would piss them off the harder he laughed.

"son of bitch" muttered the ox with a half smile of his own as he closed the distance between them.........

first day

      first day of school went well.  at first i thought i was not going to like either of my profs.  but i was able to over look my preconceived notions and my first impressions of them ended up being good.  i think that my economics teacher is very intelligent.  he also seems to have a good idea of how to "control" his class and (to me) that means we (the people really there to learn) will not have to put up with as many disturbances (i say with fingers crossed).  recently i have been feeling like there is "nothing new under the sun".  i like it very much when you learn something new.  you know one of those moments when you feel yourself suck in a breath and hold it as epiphany hits you.  i have a new toy to play around with in my head as i watch the world silently from my intentionally un-noticeable vantage point.  not just a 1 +1 = 2 thing, but an idea that you can apply to just about any situation and explain why it is going to happen, why it did happen or why the inverse did not happen.

     the only other thing to say about the first day is that it feels weird to be a little older than the rest of your class.  one in particular probably had not a person over 20 other than me and the professor (or is that the professor and i?).  i've been through so much in my life that i don't know if i can relate to these kids.  to them every thing under the sun is new and in a way i can see them taking it for granted.  i wish i could go back to a time when everything was new and shiny.  i might enjoy it more, not that i didn't at the time.  hmmm.  in any case, i think back to classes that i had when i was younger and i am glad i made the decision to intentionally talk to the older folks so that they didn't feel so uncomfortable.  time well spent.

Wil

grand scheme.....?

       these days it's easy to get lost.  we run around and get all tangled up in the every day life.  it happens more often then we think and if unchecked it can end up running our lives.  we are not weak for letting it happen, we are part of the herd though, sadly.  think about when rain falls.  one drop after another, at first only milling about in the street just wanting to be traipsed threw by happy little feet.  but then before you know it they start working their way toward a "goal", the drain.  funny, all that work to go no where.  and as more and more rain falls they go from a trickle to a rush and ultimately a flood that can up root even the biggest of trees.  we are no different.  on our way to work we are happy (or should be) to have a job.  then some one passes us and that makes us want to pass the slow ass in front of us....."doesn't he understand how important it is that i get to work at exactly 0700?".  there are these days and then the days when you just feel like crap.  nothing is going as planed, your job sucks, people suck, the world is in a never ending downward spiral and we are circling the drain.

     so what's the magic thought that pulls me out of the craper.  "i am meaningless."  not in a self hate, i wear black and cut myself kind of way.  but in a....nothing in the universe shifted and we are going to collide with the sun kind of way.  a thought that makes me feel so small and trivial also makes me feel at ease and safe.  when i get to work at 0715 instead of 0700 i look up at the sky, let go of my angst and laugh when i realize that no part of it is falling apart.  in the truest sense of it, the things that we are soooo worried about truly are of little or NO importance.

  i am a crumb on gods table cloth looking up at him as he chomps away sloppily at his blt.  less, in the grand scheme of things i am a speck of dust in the corner under a dresser and the things that i am worried about are meaningless.  there is some sort of comfort in this.  i can go back to just being a kid, i can let go of my worries, i can go outside and splash in the rain.  the sky is not going to fall.

new book, books?...

     so i picked up Sherlock Holmes complete works volume one.  is that many books in one or do i have to read the entire thing before it counts as one?  the later puts me in a bind if i hope to achieve my goal of 50 books in one year.  this may not sound like a big deal but it is something that has started to mean more and more to me.  i have found, (and i hate to say this for fear that just saying it will reverse it but) that i am enjoying reading more.  for a person like me it is a big deal.  i have never really been able to "find myself" so learning new things about me is exciting. 

     the total miles yesterday ended up being 13.  not a lot but good for a start.  i am looking forward (believe it or not) to the cold of tomorrow morning and the positive feelings that come from cycling through it at 0500. 

     if i can keep these two simple things up i will be miles ahead of where i was last year.  i think that reaching the small goals will help me to earn the confidence and learn the discipline it will take for larger ones.

OT....

       so the holidays are over and now it's time to get it in gear.  i have allowed myself to eat, drink and be merry.  i feel the consequences (accept, not regret, them) and am ready to unleash some whoop ass.  this morning began at 0500 with a 5 mile bike ride.  short but not with out strain.  it was an up hill battle, literally.  unfortunately i forgot to take some chicken breast out of the fridge so the lean mean life style will officially begin tomorrow.  that's not to say that i will be eating crap today, just not amazingly healthy.  also, on my birthday in november i decided that i would be reading one book a week for a year.  i had slipped in the beginning due to the fact that i didn't really find anything that i liked reading but recently found a genre that has kept me interested.  i read two books in three days which, considering my schedule, is pretty good for me.  that brings the total to five books in seven weeks, more on that later. 

        i am also glad to say that my school schedule is set and while i am not getting to take my numero uno picks, i am making head way and i am looking forward to the challenge.  the goal for the rest of forever is to remain focused, positive and ever diligent (or at least to learn intensely from my "mistakes"). 

       i will try to write as often as possible.  with the kids, school, a new position added to my old and the dribble of every day life it may prove taxing, but i am up to the challenge. 

wil-inator OUT!