lonesome dove..

i sit here watching lonesome dove.  and as the opening credits roll i think back to when i was a kid and we watched it on tv.  i would lay there and relish in the newness of life.  for a moment i wished to go back to that time.  sitting there young and open to the world.  till the thought comes into my head.."what would you give to go back there?"  "would you give up your boys to go back there?"  the ultimate sacrifice to gain the "ultimate" gift.  NO!  i have made my life and now i roll in it and enjoy it.  not to mention that to go back would go against the general leson of the movie it self.  life happens and happens as you make it, make it good!

funny enough, right as it was happening josiah wakes up and comes down stairs to watch the "cowboy" movie with me.  the old replaced with the "NEW" memories.  i am blessed.  from watching high plains drifter with my dad to watching lonesome dove with my son.  yep, i am blessed.  every day a gift, nothing but open doors and new opportunities. 

the day religon died....

     one day my ex and i went to church with her mother.  it was a very nice, well know christian church in southern california.  when i heard the sermon and started to think i remember ass the crap that i had been through in my life.  the bad decisions, the heartbreak, the abuse.  towards the end they asked if anyone wanted to be saved.  yes i thought, i want to be rid of this baggage. i took a leap of faith, literally.  i went up to the front and stood there as the pastor (or whatever they call him) began to pray for us.  i felt new, clean, absolved.  i was excited about the new joy that i had found.  on the train back to base that weekend i read my bible vigourusly and wanted for nothing other than to enjoy this new feeling.  after some time my ex moved down closer to me and we decided that we should go look for a church.  what luck!  there is a "name with held" right down the street.

     my ex had a 3 year old son from a boyfriend that had died in a firey car crash.  yes, really.  i was a new parent both to myself and to him, we were in a new town and this was a new church.  so you could understand why he was aprehensive about being left in the day care room while we went to see the sermon.  i tried my best to put on my "dad" voice and face to reasure him that he would be ok and that these were nice people.  it worked not so much and his mother had to step in and console him.  all very understandable i think. 

     out of the corner of my eye i can see a 40 something man in slacks and a long sleeve shirt watching us with his hands on his hips.  with disgust he pushed past us through the doorway of the day care and started to yell at what i asume was his son (a boy of about 6 or 7 sitting near the back of the class).

       "You will sit down, you will do what you are told and i don't want to hear any different or ELSE!"  he said all fire and brimstone-ish.  his son (who was sitting quietly reading a book) stood up and looked around with a kind of confusion that probably stays with a person for quite a while "wha..i was being a good boy?".  as for the man, well he walked off down a hall way and continued to mutter, loudly, "i am the man of my house..blah blah blah.."  what a dick i thought.  he didn't know what was happening, didn't know the situation, what kind of shit was that? and in church no less. 

     i blew it off.  i am an adult, in church.  who knows what that guys problem is.  my ex had calmed my step son down and we were able to take our leave.  into the assembly hall we go, find a seat, sing a little wait for the pastor.  low and behold who is it that comes out to help heal the masses.  the dick from the day care.  i couldn't believe it.  this is the man that is supposed to tell me how to get closer to god.  this guy that walks into a situation and throws half assed judgments around.  not even walks into a situation, because that would mean that something HAD to be done, he just threw himself into OUR situation that we were already handling. 

     there is no way that i can go into another church now and not see the man up there other than what he truly is, just some MAN, a corruptible, self absorbed, pathetic man.  using this position to make himself feel better, and not in a righteous, well intentioned and heart felt way.  nope.  he's just some asshole.  you knew him in high school.  he's the guy that got picked last at everything.  this is his way of fueling his ego. 

     that's the day that religion died and spirituality was born.  i don't need a man in a fancy suit to tell me how to talk to god.  i can do that all by myself, and do.  sometimes when i go out into the wilderness to walk or fish by myself i can feel his presence. i talk to him there and can feel his breath.  i don't have to have a building to go to and give money to in order to know that i am helping to do gods work, i can give to the poor directly or offer my time to a shelter. 

the end.

the one thing i should say...

i've been looking for it for quite a while.  the one thing i should say.  the thing by which to be judged.  the thing that will be remembered for all times.  the thing i should say to friends, family and all else.  it's not there.  there is no one thing.  if life was only that simple we would all be good at it.  we would all stop looking.

     the fact is that we have to be all things in between so that we might catch a glimpse of understanding.  you have to have equal parts warrior and poet.  time to stop looking and over thinking and just be, in the moment, living in and for the now.  we can not control anything else outside of that. 

stone is creative..

     there are many times that stoney says something, comes up with an idea or is playing by himself and i think to myself; "i need to write this down."  they are such small trivial moments but i know that they are the things that i am going to want to look back and remember.  he is so random and it really lets you know just how the big the world is...to them.  they don't opperate under the same constrictions that we do.  to them reality is as big as you can imagine.  and when you ask them a question you really just can't wait to hear what's coming.  first a story about a conversation josiah had with his teacher the other day.

Teacher:  "josiah can i take stone home so he can be my brother?"
Josiah: (without skipping a beat) "NO, go buy  your own!"
T:  "well where do you buy a stone?"
J:  "at the zoo!"
T: "really! how much does a stone cost?"
J:  "20 dollars." 

     everything cost 20 dollars to josiah.  now for one between stone and the same teacher.

T: "stone do you know where miss Michelle is?" (one of the other teachers who was out for the day sick)
S: "she didn't come today because she is at work."
T: "miss Michelle works here doesn't she?"
S: "no this is her house, and she had to leave to go to work." (matter of factually)
T: "where does miss Michelle work?"
S: "she cuts grass."
T: "do you work stone?"
S: "yeah with my mom."
T: "where? and what do you do?"
S: "at HEB, (the local grocery store) we shop."

     the other night was a soft, quiet and otherwise uneventful evening.  the air was cool and the breeze was just beyond still, it meandered around just enough to lull you to sleep with the false sense of security that it would  be the same when you woke up. the wind came in from the north west strong and hard as it banged up against the side of the house.  a parents intuition had us awake just before it came sweeping over us.  this allowed us to realize how drastically it had changed and we heard stoney immediately wake up and start to voice his fear.  both of the boys came to the bed and josiah fell back to sleep quickly obviously enjoying the warmth of the full bed and security of his parents proximity.  stoney however, must have had his imagination running full steam ahead.  i tried to ignore him and his constant moving so that i could get some rest for the next day of work.  his little voice in a half whisper would creep out into the space between us with all sorts of random insights.  the last of which was a exchange between his mother and he.

     "stoney, go-to-sleep."  mother said in a stern and less than patient voice. 
     "but momma, the bath tube is going to blow away."  to which we replied with our usual; smile, shake head, roll eyes and whisper "oh my stoney".

little things

     the other day i took josiah outside in the back yard to play.  after a while i started to pick up dog poop and josiah continued to play on his own, jumping off the deck, going down the slide and running from eva.  some time passed and i realized that i could not hear him anymore.  i must have gotten into my "work" and tuned out.  i turned around and saw him sitting under his slide closest to the side touching the ground.  he wasn't far away, which he could have done if he wanted to, instead he was close by but still somewhat hidden.  (i think this is because he DID want to tell me what happened but was still sort of scared that i would get mad.  so instead of running and hiding, he hid close by)  as i walked over and asked if he was ok he began to cry softly.  that's when i noticed that he had blood all over the front of his shirt, on his hands and running down his chin.

     "what happened son?"
     "your...your just, just going to be, be ssooo mad at me." sobbing lightly.
     "tell me what happened son and let me see your tongue."  i said in an affirmative but easy tone.  it was really all so adorable, save for the blood i guess.
well, he jumped off the deck and bit his tounge.  i took him inside and cleaned him up and explained to him that he could and should come to me when things happen.  "i may be upset but i will never be mad at you son."

        we came back out side so i could finish and he waddled after me, juice in hand looking oh so very "i've got a cool battle scar and i'am nursing it."  as i went back to work i kept an eye on him to see what he would do.  he promptly put his juice down and went over to the exact same spot on the deck to jump off of it again.  i watched him in curious bewilderment.  "don't most kids run away from the thing that hurt them?" i thought to myself.  without any hesitation he jumped off forcefully, really exaggerating the jump and landing.  he then stood up and looked back at the deck with this look in his eyes.  the look that says; "i am not scared, you don't scare me, i am not going to just give up and run...i'll show you...bitch!!" 

     i laughed out loud, really.  he is something else and if just part of me is what makes that up i am really proud and flattered.

worse than that..

     i'd like to talk about this old woman that i meet this weekend.  she was polite, friendly, inquisitive and not at all intimidated by me.  the later a major change from the usual.  i smiled and said excuse me and apparently she was able to look past all the things that others see and even complemented those things.  she asked me questions and WAITED for the answers.  i liked her very much and i imagine that she has had a good life.  with an attitude and charisma like hers i bet even the bad times were good.  i wish that i could have been more charming, the way i was when i was younger.  would-a, could-a, should-a.  as a matter of fact there were a number of people that were unusually kind this week end.  there was even a your girl traveling in a car next to me that, when i looked over, she smiled a really warm and genuine smile.  these people like animals must have sensed something.  or maybe "somebody" asked them to be nice.?.

      so my visit to the doctor for my first "i getting a little older and i may need to start keeping and eye on things" physical was pretty uneventful.  i did not expect to hear back from them and certainly not for this.  at 32 there is no way my cholesterol should be so elevated and when i asked if i could use diet and exercise to get it under control the nurse said "no mr. sanchez, you are way past that.  you will need to take medication along with diet and exercise."  wow.  really?  all the exercise and good eating that i have done and my body is still in disarray? i know it's "not that bad", i know that it could be "much worse".  it's still kind of a shitter though and i have a tremendous amount of questions.  how long will it be like this?  how bad is the medication?  so on and so on.  that's the big one though.  i don't want that stuff in my body.  if god made me this way then so be it.  i 'd rather fight it naturally.  hmmm