new here

holly shit ive been away for a while and the world can change in a second so guess what happened in the time ive been away.  there's more to come but in short;  that new person you want to be, they're already there.... you just have to let them out of the cage.  ttyl

third shift...

moved to third shift the beginning of this week.  it feels neat to be awake while everyone else is asleep.  like i get to see the world while others are missing it.  did you know shit actually happens between the hours of midnight and 5am.?  I've been wanting to get away for sometime now.  i don't know what i meant by away but this seems to be fitting the bill.  i can still interact with the family in a sufficient way.  but i also get tons of time to myself now.  i think that is what i really needed.  to just be alone for a while.  i had this kind of time when i was younger but pissed it away being afraid of it.  i get to think what i want to think without the tv telling me what's best for me.  i get to ride like a son of a bitch and i don't have to dodge to many cars.  i can listen to what ever i want to at work and not worry about the old man turning it off while muttering under his breath.  i can leave my head shaved into a Mohawk and wear what ever i want to work while working at any speed i chose on what i chose.  it's almost like being in one of those movies where every thing and every one is gone.  only i get to interact with people after a while....when i want to.  Ha, as long as i keep putting the magic numbers into the machine every night my new little world won't explode.  tomorrow should be fun.  i get some time during the day with out the kids or wife.  i'll probably go to the book store or something like that.  i have to be careful, if i fall to deep into this i can get carried away.  i won't start collecting jars of urine or anything,  i just start to stop talking to people.  i get all messy with person to person interaction.  i'll also have time to start working on my artwork, motorcycle projects, .... maybe even learn a new language.  hhmmm, German, Latin, Japanese....yeah right, maybe i'll build a rocket and fly my ass to the moon too. 

things i don't miss; traffic, listening to co-workers bitch, prime time tv...

tough mudder...

12 miles, 28 obsticles, ice water, mud, rocks, swamp water, mud, electricity, smoke, walls, barb wire, mud, rope ladders, crazy monkey monkey bars.......something wrong with my knee, throbing ankle, taste of vomit in my throat, aching feet, muscles fatigued, thirsty....smiling, happy, proud......finished.

tough mudder...

we are going on a run and by we i mean me although i will have watchers of me i will run alone.  feeling kinda nervous, didn't get to train like i should have but o'well here we go.

junkie....

watching national geograhic taboo.  they are talking about junkies.  the one i take notice of is adreniline junkies.  they say these people are junkies and they feel the same thing as crack addicts.  is that really it?  the definition is that if you do something that is "dangerous" and have felt or know the "consequences" but continue to do it then you are a junkie.  really?  cuz every day i go to or come home from work on my bike i almost die.  really.  bu t i continue to do it.  and to be honest i keep looking fo r ways to "up the stakes".  i don't wear a helmet, i speed, i start shit with cars while i am on a very vonerable bike.  why.  they say that to feel like nothing else matters is more of a sign that you are addicted.  the base jumper says he is more alive than most other people will ever know. .. i have to agree with him.   those other people are dead already.  but maybe i am crazy.  did you know that you can become addicted to gaming.  there was a couple that let their baby die becase they were "to busy".   hmmmmm 



to be reformed.

many clubs...

     deer crossing saloon.  i have never even heard of the place and had it not been for a friend inviting me out there to a gathering of Motorcycle Clubs i still wouldn't.  it was a short ride from a usual meet up spot that feels like the middle of the city.  however, once there if you were not able to see the freeway from the bars lot you would think that you were in the middle of nowhere.  which is an interesting feeling when you don't wear colors on your back and you are in the middle of about 20 different clubs totaling out to be about 100 - 150 riders.  i have been riding for a while.  always by myself.  this is the first time that i have considered joining any club let alone a motorcycle club.  being there reminded me of a feeling i had one day when i was a kid.  i had gone on a trip with my dad and we stopped somewhere in new mexico.  the guy in line in front of us at a gas station had this huge six shooter hanging off his hip.  for some reason i wasn't scared, maybe because when everyone is carrying you know that people are less likely to fuck with each other.  who wants to get shot over some silly shit.  not many.  i don't know if any of these guys were carrying or not,  but what i do know is that nobody wanted to be the guy that started shit that was not going to be acceptable to anybody. 

after all that takes place at one of these events about 10 of us rode to a friends house.  it was more of the same.  you see when you ride alone people fuck with you.  really.  they cut you off, ride your ass and even try to share lanes with you.  all the time not really giving a shit at how quickly they could end your life.  BUT, when you ride in a group you have been made more of an equal.  who wants to be the guy that rides the last riders ass when he's trailing 9 other burly ass looking animals.  not many.  so maybe the animals have it right.  there is safety in numbers.

thinkers...

some people are good thinkers.  they think and think and come up with shit that can blow your mind away.  these people are capable of creating great arts of work.  and then there are some that over think.  i mean really.  they paint a beautiful picture and then ruin it by going back over it a thousand times to make "improvements".  there are some that take things that have been given to us and blow them all to shit with nonsense.  this is how i feel about the church and people that attend it.  or the people that write, sing, preach about and in general use God.  he is perfect just the way he is and i can feel and hear him just the way i am.  i don't need you to talk him to death.  i don't need to here you talk about what YOU think it all means.  most of YOU people are driving more people away from the church than you are bringing there.  and that is not a bad thing in some cases.  the church has developed into a country club for people who can't afford to go to richy rich ones.  you see them investing so much time into it, which would be a good thing, if they were not investing that time in order to receive "status" as a return.  hhhmmmmm.  think about that one.  rant complete.

180 miles

410, 151, 471, 1283, 16, 173, 87, 10, 410. it took about 8 hours.  there is something about being on the bike.  it brings you to that moment.  "you never feel alive like you were alive at fight club."  he should have road a motorcycle.  when i start thinking about work, trouble....bs in general.  i just look down at the pavement whizzing by at 70 miles per hour.  that's right boy-O, there she is, life.  right beneath your feet. you are in this moment.  one little slip and you'll know it even more than you did a second before that.  you feel the wind, the bumps in the road. you can hear the cars passing you.  other motorcyclists wave and you know they are saying to themselves...."yeah baby".  and then you find some little town to stop in and a chair or wall to lean up against.  it's like sitting back stage watching another few actors on stage, waiting for your turn to go out but enjoying the moment of being on the shelf.  you can see the actors reveling in the now-ness of life and the audience wondering what it would feel like to be so alive and at the same time lost in the story.  and then, that's it.  the food was good and the beers were cold but it's time to get back out into the sun.  30min,....an hour...it's been long enough.  i could do it again and again and again.  i hope everyone has SOMETHING that they are passionate about.

time and space..

i have not written in some time.  there is a lot going on and i probably could have written a great deal to date.  why i stopped has mostly to do with the lack of time, or the feeling that there is no time.  started training for the "tough mudder".  sometimes it's hard to believe that i get up and 4am and actually go run five miles.  running is not my thing and still lately i feel drawn to it.  maybe because the good feeling it gives you when you can see marked improvement.  was doing good in other areas of life as well until friday.  it's so easy to slip back into old habits.  i like the new me better than the old me, just have to stop letting the old back in the door.  i like the changes i have made and when i make old mistakes it really drains me.  what i want to do now is hit the rest button.  i want to say "i am ok, i am alive and have been given yet another chance at a good life.  i will not continue to make these mistakes anymore.  i must improve.  i will move forward and try to forgive myself for the mistakes i have made."  there, it's done.  we'll see how it works.

finaly

finally got the bike back.  gonna try to upload some pics and stories of some of my travels.  can't believe that it took a whole month to get it back from the shop.  damn insurance company dragging it's feet.  so, more to come.  hope everybody out in the world is doing well.

well...

     in school the yesterday one of the younger students asked the "professor" what he thought about osama being killed.  the "professor" answered..."don't really care at all."  and then the students echoed this.  "i know right, i mean who cares?"

     i don't know what the shit is wrong with these kids.  i know that we shouldn't jump around like idiots, but this is a man who is responsible for murdering thousands of people and setting certain events in motion that would inevitably end thousands more lives.  not to mention the lateral effect of affected family and friends.  it makes me sick to think about all the brothers and sisters that i have lost over in that shit hole part of the world. 

    also, i am glad that we disposed of his body in a decent fashion.  it shows that we are the bigger people.  we are not the savages dragging dead bodies around and beating them.  we are Americans and we have what it takes to guide our great nation into a prosperous, bright and decent future.  and yes, it does take whooping some ass every once and a while to live at peace. 

    to my brothers and sisters that are still abroad;  stay safe and come home soon.  we are proud of you.

ketchup...

in summary i guess:

*bike got hit by a lady in while it was PARKED.
*another lady literally tried to kill me and the police said that they could do nothing. 
*got a B on a test, didn't really affect me the way i thought it would.
*went camping, had a blast, miss it much already.
*had to take stone to the emergency room.  three hours later he was in emergency surgery.  i have never felt so weak and powerless.
*had a pretty good easter weekend until we had to take stone back to the e.r.  he's fine but it was worth the trip to mama for the peace of mind.
    
     waiting to get bike back from dealer all fix-ed up.  need to go on a nice long ride.  get away from things for a while.  away from the damn city.

well

     there's just not much for me to say lately.  i've been doing instead of thinking and planning.  camping, riding, birthdays ect.  i guess i'd like to stop and write but i would rather be living. 

something in losing...

     i have this habit of coming up with these ideas after a few beers.  stay with me here.  after a few beers i come up with these really intense, deep, twisted, beautiful ideas.  there like .....like gone with the wind, Sistine chapel, outsiders, epic ideas that could solve world hunger.  no, they are not drunken ramblings.  these are methodically thought out gems that would make nobel prize winners blush.....(ok maybe not that big, but you get the idea).  and so what i do is write down the "main" point of the whole thought thinking that when i see it the next day it will refresh my memory and i will be able to begin my dissertation on how a certain type of dragon fly could save the planet from us.  (usually i'll put just two or three words in a blog title and save it for the next day..see above)  you see to write the whole thing out at that very moment might take all night and i 'm far to busy at the moment of conception with moving onto the next grand epiphany, so stopping is not an option....obviously. thus the title of this blog, which was written a couple of nights ago.  i can't remember what it was that i wanted to say.....hmmmm "something in losing".  nope...not ringing any bells.  i am sure it was awesome while it was there and i am happy that i still have those moments of "new found wonder".  it's almost as if losing the thought and it's being so elusive is part of what makes it so beautiful.  wait-a-minute.....damn i 'm good.

dear lord..

dear lord,

thank you for the time you have given to me.  i hope that i have made you proud.  i know instead that i have fallen short, thank you for loving me anyway.  i look forward to seeing you soon.....well, not to soon.  i am happy, happy with what you have given me.  i feel like a spoiled child when i think about it on the whole.  i will do better to be more graceous, forgiving and humble.  what you have given us is horriblely beautiful.  i drink every drop, savor every moment.....in short... i waste not.
yours truely.
willie.

stone flirts hard...

     the other day we took the boys to eat and the waitress starts to flirt with stone.  (recently the boys had a "bike rodeo" at school.  up until then stone refused to pedal his bike, but for some reason being in the bike rodeo inspired him to start.)  so this waitress is flirting with him and he looks up at her with this smile on his face and says "i 'm pedaling now."  as if to say yo you better watch out girl because i am a big boy now....what time you get off?  that little boy is going to be trouble.

ride hungry...

     it's all i can think about.  when i 'm sitting here at work, when i 'm "supposed" to be watching bachelor with the wife, when people are talking to me.  i just want to get out there and ride. last night was softball night and we had a great game, everyone played well on both sides of the field.  i even had my first in the park home run.  i wouldn't say that i didn't or don't give a shit...i would say that it mattered little though, or at least less than usual.  normally i would hang around for a while, drink some beers and chit chat.  not this time.  i just wanted to take off.  get back on the bike.  it's nice to have re-found something that i am passionate about.  whenever anything else or even everything else is going hay-wire i have something to fall back on that makes me happy.  i sometimes wish that it wasn't something having to do with a material thing but it is.  that's really ok with me.  me without a bike is like a samuri without a sword.  it's just that simple, and that complex. 

sunday rides go like....

     yesterday when we got home my wife and the boys laid down to take much needed naps and i decided to for-go a siesta and instead throw a leg over crazy alice.  that's what i 'm naming my bike.  in the movie "Cowboys" a bunch of young kids want to go with John Wayne on his last cattle drive.  his original ranch hands got cases of gold fever and took off on him so the young boys were the only "help" in the area.  anyway, when they get to the ranch house John Wayne (who is not to keen on taking the boys) says "anyone who can stay on crazy alice for 10 seconds can come on to work."  his thought is that most won't try and those who do will leave crying after taking a little fall.  crazy alice is a wild ass mustang that John Wayne has not been able to break.  some ride and succeed, some ride and fall, but they all damn sure tried like hell.  i guess that is what touched me and something that i want to remember.  as long as i have the balls to try i guess that means i am still in the game.

     so back to the ride.  it was a nice little cruise threw the hill country just west of town on a over cast moderate temperatured kind of day that had the bikers out in packs.  at one point i crested this hill and to my left was this beautiful view of Medina lake.  the water reflecting the low hanging clouds and the rolling hills blending into both the sky and the lake.  it was hard to tell which way was which because of the way it all meshed together. and in that very moment i felt as though i was all meshed and blended into it all as well.  i was more a part of the earth, part of the wild openness.  if you take a road trip in a car it's nice, you listen to music, maybe read a book, talk about what color you should paint the living room and what kind of floors would go with it.  when you take a ride there is no glass keeping from "feeling" what you are seeing, nothing (or at least not much) between you and the pavement so you shut the f**k up and listen to the hum of the bike while the noisy, curt wind literally blows all the thoughts out of your mind.  you can feel all the things you were thinking about being whipped out of your head, almost like they are leaving threw the ends of your hair as it smashes around on top of your head like waves on a beach.  it's impossible to keep any kind of rubbish in your head.  all i think about is the next turn, the next hill, the next cool little nook that i 'm going to find that has been lost since people stop using horses to get around and instead trapped themselves behind glass and metal.  my only concern is weather or not i 'm going to need to down shift in order to get up that next hill.

     two hours later i was pulling back into the garage.  my head clear, ears ringing and my face that weird sort of numb that goes along with being beaten by head winds for some time.  not a long ride.  just enough time with just enough going on to remind you why you do it all in the first place.  guess i got my siesta after all.

and then it happened....

    i don't know how but it did.  if i wanted to i could go over it again and rehash all the details.  but not right now.  long story short it was a little fait and a lot of luck.  to stumble across it and then be lucky enough to have everything go just right is really not the way things normally happen to me.  i feel like maybe i should go get checked out medically.  may be "someone" gave this to me as a way to have a little bit of happiness before i take the "big trip".  but nah, that's sill i know.  i am just saying,....wow what luck.  and the more i do it the more i love it.  any time i need to think i just jump on and the wind blows it all away.  and i am good at it, really though.  some people can't poor piss out of a boot.  but i am really good at this and it seems to come naturally to me.  i just can't explain.  can't wait to take a trip.  up through texas, into colorado to navajo national forest.  that would be sweet.  the first time i got a bike i think i literally willed it into existance.  it happened the same way this time, hard to explain.  hoping for the best.