something in losing...

     i have this habit of coming up with these ideas after a few beers.  stay with me here.  after a few beers i come up with these really intense, deep, twisted, beautiful ideas.  there like .....like gone with the wind, Sistine chapel, outsiders, epic ideas that could solve world hunger.  no, they are not drunken ramblings.  these are methodically thought out gems that would make nobel prize winners blush.....(ok maybe not that big, but you get the idea).  and so what i do is write down the "main" point of the whole thought thinking that when i see it the next day it will refresh my memory and i will be able to begin my dissertation on how a certain type of dragon fly could save the planet from us.  (usually i'll put just two or three words in a blog title and save it for the next day..see above)  you see to write the whole thing out at that very moment might take all night and i 'm far to busy at the moment of conception with moving onto the next grand epiphany, so stopping is not an option....obviously. thus the title of this blog, which was written a couple of nights ago.  i can't remember what it was that i wanted to say.....hmmmm "something in losing".  nope...not ringing any bells.  i am sure it was awesome while it was there and i am happy that i still have those moments of "new found wonder".  it's almost as if losing the thought and it's being so elusive is part of what makes it so beautiful.  wait-a-minute.....damn i 'm good.

dear lord..

dear lord,

thank you for the time you have given to me.  i hope that i have made you proud.  i know instead that i have fallen short, thank you for loving me anyway.  i look forward to seeing you soon.....well, not to soon.  i am happy, happy with what you have given me.  i feel like a spoiled child when i think about it on the whole.  i will do better to be more graceous, forgiving and humble.  what you have given us is horriblely beautiful.  i drink every drop, savor every moment.....in short... i waste not.
yours truely.
willie.

stone flirts hard...

     the other day we took the boys to eat and the waitress starts to flirt with stone.  (recently the boys had a "bike rodeo" at school.  up until then stone refused to pedal his bike, but for some reason being in the bike rodeo inspired him to start.)  so this waitress is flirting with him and he looks up at her with this smile on his face and says "i 'm pedaling now."  as if to say yo you better watch out girl because i am a big boy now....what time you get off?  that little boy is going to be trouble.

ride hungry...

     it's all i can think about.  when i 'm sitting here at work, when i 'm "supposed" to be watching bachelor with the wife, when people are talking to me.  i just want to get out there and ride. last night was softball night and we had a great game, everyone played well on both sides of the field.  i even had my first in the park home run.  i wouldn't say that i didn't or don't give a shit...i would say that it mattered little though, or at least less than usual.  normally i would hang around for a while, drink some beers and chit chat.  not this time.  i just wanted to take off.  get back on the bike.  it's nice to have re-found something that i am passionate about.  whenever anything else or even everything else is going hay-wire i have something to fall back on that makes me happy.  i sometimes wish that it wasn't something having to do with a material thing but it is.  that's really ok with me.  me without a bike is like a samuri without a sword.  it's just that simple, and that complex. 

sunday rides go like....

     yesterday when we got home my wife and the boys laid down to take much needed naps and i decided to for-go a siesta and instead throw a leg over crazy alice.  that's what i 'm naming my bike.  in the movie "Cowboys" a bunch of young kids want to go with John Wayne on his last cattle drive.  his original ranch hands got cases of gold fever and took off on him so the young boys were the only "help" in the area.  anyway, when they get to the ranch house John Wayne (who is not to keen on taking the boys) says "anyone who can stay on crazy alice for 10 seconds can come on to work."  his thought is that most won't try and those who do will leave crying after taking a little fall.  crazy alice is a wild ass mustang that John Wayne has not been able to break.  some ride and succeed, some ride and fall, but they all damn sure tried like hell.  i guess that is what touched me and something that i want to remember.  as long as i have the balls to try i guess that means i am still in the game.

     so back to the ride.  it was a nice little cruise threw the hill country just west of town on a over cast moderate temperatured kind of day that had the bikers out in packs.  at one point i crested this hill and to my left was this beautiful view of Medina lake.  the water reflecting the low hanging clouds and the rolling hills blending into both the sky and the lake.  it was hard to tell which way was which because of the way it all meshed together. and in that very moment i felt as though i was all meshed and blended into it all as well.  i was more a part of the earth, part of the wild openness.  if you take a road trip in a car it's nice, you listen to music, maybe read a book, talk about what color you should paint the living room and what kind of floors would go with it.  when you take a ride there is no glass keeping from "feeling" what you are seeing, nothing (or at least not much) between you and the pavement so you shut the f**k up and listen to the hum of the bike while the noisy, curt wind literally blows all the thoughts out of your mind.  you can feel all the things you were thinking about being whipped out of your head, almost like they are leaving threw the ends of your hair as it smashes around on top of your head like waves on a beach.  it's impossible to keep any kind of rubbish in your head.  all i think about is the next turn, the next hill, the next cool little nook that i 'm going to find that has been lost since people stop using horses to get around and instead trapped themselves behind glass and metal.  my only concern is weather or not i 'm going to need to down shift in order to get up that next hill.

     two hours later i was pulling back into the garage.  my head clear, ears ringing and my face that weird sort of numb that goes along with being beaten by head winds for some time.  not a long ride.  just enough time with just enough going on to remind you why you do it all in the first place.  guess i got my siesta after all.

and then it happened....

    i don't know how but it did.  if i wanted to i could go over it again and rehash all the details.  but not right now.  long story short it was a little fait and a lot of luck.  to stumble across it and then be lucky enough to have everything go just right is really not the way things normally happen to me.  i feel like maybe i should go get checked out medically.  may be "someone" gave this to me as a way to have a little bit of happiness before i take the "big trip".  but nah, that's sill i know.  i am just saying,....wow what luck.  and the more i do it the more i love it.  any time i need to think i just jump on and the wind blows it all away.  and i am good at it, really though.  some people can't poor piss out of a boot.  but i am really good at this and it seems to come naturally to me.  i just can't explain.  can't wait to take a trip.  up through texas, into colorado to navajo national forest.  that would be sweet.  the first time i got a bike i think i literally willed it into existance.  it happened the same way this time, hard to explain.  hoping for the best.

to say.

     to say that i have found it is to say that i never realized it was there in the first place.  hard but true.  the truth is that i always knew it was there.  as a matter of fact i HAD it before.  had it stolen, and only now realise how important it was...IS.  to some it is so trivial or even not logical.  but it makes me tick, it drives me.  shit, it's who i am, defines me.  the human spirit defined, the all being, all knowing, all danceing crap of the world....defined.  Me.

life on the run....

     "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways with a beer in one hand and a smile on your face;  body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!"."  

author unknown. 

words...

     taking little breaks here and there can really lend some perspective to things.  long story short i am glad that i took my little break from writing and other things.  for some reason being not productive at times helps me to take notice of the little things that really matter.  getting all caught up in the "normal" life is really a bitch and it creeps up on you so you don't notice it sometimes.  i think it has something to do with the way that i was raised, or the household i was raised in....hhmmm.  everything was always move move move, rush rush.  doesn't matter how, just get it done.  there's no rush.  everything is going to be fine.  i have to tell myself these things, other people just know them.  i know them also, but when you have a certain mentality drilled into you it's hard to get away from it.  like i said, this is me.  for better or worse, it's just me.