hur-umph...

     sometimes when i am alone and thinking way to much, as i often do, i miss the "hard times".  i remember when i was in the marines we used to do all this physically crazy shit.  run 10 miles to the beach, swim a mile and then run back.  the "bone" runs were always fun. we'd run with this telephone pole that had rope handles.  a few miles.  then sit in some stagnant pond water in the middle of january at like 2200 hrs.  the water was freezing and you'd have to get out and do jumping jacks or up downs to get warm(ish) again.  then run back to the barracks and get sprayed with a hose while you are being thrashed.  or the beach weeks.  sand everywhere, cold, wet, hungry, tired.  those were the good times.  when the pain was just physical and not really confusing.  "i know why my back hurts, because this is tough shit!"  this getting to know yourself stuff is much more difficult.  it's not easy to shine a light down into the dark places that we all have and try to clean it out.  what if you can't?  what if you have more dark than  light?  i see now why so many people are living in the dark, not wanting to see what's wrong, choosing to be blind, using drugs and alcohol to fog things up.  i also know now why i have, in a way, put it off for so long.  i am much more strong now and if anyone can handle it it's me.  i have never had it easy and pretty much have always been my own counselor.  it would just be nice to hear his voice, just once.  like they say they do in the movies.  the truth is i hear that other guys voice more.  not like an actual voice mind you.  but when his hand is working something against me i can see it clear as day.  "hey....wait a minute, this is that other guy trying to mess with me."  it would be much more easy to see and battle if it were to happen like in the movies, you know an all out attack, demons poring out of the sink or some crap.  but him showing his face only makes it more obvious that the man upstairs is real to.  guess i'll just have to wait like everyone else to see and hear him.  i really hope to have him touch me on the shoulder one day and say "you did alright kid, you did alright." 

well, enough of my weird head space rambling.  head space dump complete!! 

"we are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate.  the world is all gates, all opportunities."  ~ralph waldo emerson~

community..

    i would like to say that i am completely self sustaining as far as writing ideas go but i am not.  there are times when i could talk about the happenings of the weekend or this and that as life goes.  it feels, to me, that those things tend to lead down into a mundane dribbling that most closely resembles the facebookish lifestyle of today.  "got totally trashed this weekend, hang over cures anyone...." and so on.  over the last couple of months i have started to realize the importance of community and the fact that just because you are part of one does not mean that you are selling out.  with this in mind i take from a writing prompt that a fellow blogger posted recently.

11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? 

11.  the need for people to hit my "like" button.  as much as i hate to admit it there does seem to be ties to value and self worth in relationship with the things we do, say, create and post.  if i could manage to pull myself away from that i think that i could find something more valuable to "concentrate" on.

10.  over indulgence.  in has come to my attention that i have become "soft" in a way.  i need to do more things that make me uncomfortable in order to remind myself of who i truly am.  i think a little toiling in the dirt would bring me closer to the man upstairs.

9.  judgment.  i don't do this much but when i do it does nothing but slow me down.

8.  haters.  i don't really want to associate with people who are only concerned with tearing others down.  i never have and don't really now, but as much as i can i am going to take that out of my life.  i think that my mental health will benefit from this. 

7.  useless pass times, like blogging!! just kidding.  instead of cruising around the net looking for funny videos to laugh at i think my time will be better spent trying to learn something.

6.  the unapproachable look.  with some thought i could figure out when and where this came from not to mention how it is cultivated but i need to work on getting rid of it.  i would like to be seen as charming not standoffish for the sake of making good, long lasting, healthy friendships. 

5.  stress.  i mean the kind of stress that is self imposed.  i am sure my all around health will benefit from this.


  well, right at the moment i don't think that i can come up with four more things.  i could say things like; fast food and such but realistically....mmmm probably not.  if i come up with anything else that seems good enough to touch on I'll revisit this post.

where the river goes...

     today i want to write.  i want to write something powerful and moving.  i don't really think that i want to move anyone else, more so myself.  i just can't seem to think of anything.  i read a post by Don Miller once that said if you want to be a good writer you have to sit down in front of the key board and write something every day.  in this way i guess you are constantly improving and training yourself to get it done even when you don't feel like it. 

     it's sad but today i don't feel like creating anything today.  i feel like tearing something down, argueing, being generally pissed off.  i have to be honest and say that i have let the b.s. of the season, the negativity of others, the slave drivers at work and my own mind get to me.

maybe i am trying to hard.  i think that i will just sit and stare at my picture of the sunrise for a while.  the rest of the world can just wait on me for a little bit.  willie D now checking out, will return in 5 minutes.  hope the world doesn't go to shit in that time. (not really) as my friend the penguin from fight club would say "SLIDE". 

we have all the answers....

at the end of every year i sit and look back over the things that have happened and i always feel that i should have done better.  i am sure everyone knows that feeling. "dang it, why did i do that?  i am i ever going to learn?"  and the truth is that we do.  as we grow older and have more and more life experiences we do learn what situations to avoid and the things that are going to inevitably lead us to trouble.

so how do we avoid making mistakes with things that we have not experienced or "new" situations that are presented to us.  i have learned that the answers are always there, in most cases we chose not to listen to them however.  a small example;  a couple of months ago God sent a particular book my way. "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge.  there are a number of things that John touches on but the one that i want to concentrate on is his persistence that we NEED to get out and into the open.  go out into the wilderness and really take it all in, let the majesty of it all heal you, be humbled by all the awe inspiring things that God has created for you.  this is not the first time that this message has come my way.  i can remember when i was a kid watching the movie "City Slickers" and even at a young age i really appreciated the secondary message that the outdoors can be extremely healing. 

so why didn't i hear it?  why was i still searching even though i had the answers to the questions; "how do i let go of all the drama, heal myself, and concentrate on what is really important?"  why wasn't i listening?  maybe i didn't know how.  more likely than that i didn't hear it because i didn't trust myself and didn't have the confidence too even if i wanted to.  never the less i understand now and i know now what it is that i need to untie all the "knots in my rope."  so what changed, what was it that finally opened my eyes and ears?  practical application.  you can not read a book like John's and not put it into action and expect to get the advantages out of it that were intended by it's writing.  this is true of MANY books.  oh there are books that you can read and enjoy without ever having to leave the comfort of your couch to do so, and i like those.  but for me the really good ones are the ones you have to get off your ass and put some effort into in order to REALLY experience them. 

i can think of one book that i need to do this more with, and in doing so i am sure that any possible mistake or hairy situations that comes my way will be handled with ease.  the Bible.  don't get me wrong, i am not a Bible thumpper or brow beater.  trust me i have my flaws, just the other day i jumped out of my truck in traffic and almost whipped someones ass for something that could have been let go if i were a different person.  nor am i trying to cram my agenda down anyone else's throat.  what i am saying is that the answers are there and if we are willing to listen the mistakes we do make will become fewer and fewer.

first of all.....

a couple of weeks ago i went on a short vacation to the Fort Davis Mountains.  there was a few different things that happend over that short weekend that i could touch on but none more moving than the sun rise on the final day. "we" had decided to stay in the lodge since it was our first time up and we didn't know exactly what to expect, namely how cold it would get.  it turned out ok.  on the final morning of our stay i woke up about 30 minutes before sunrise and decided to go up to the scenic over look point to catch the sun come up.  it was a decision that i will always thank god for. 

the sun was slowly creeping up from the far off broken mountain range.  the cool crisp wind blowing the grass into lazy sweeping waves that flowed along the rolling hills.  the sky progressed from soft blue purples to burning golden reds.  the sun breaks the crest of the ridge line and my breath is taken away.  i simply can not put into words how it felt to witness the birth of that day.  my eyes watered up at the thought of how much i take so many days for granted.  "i can't believe this happens every day." i said to myself.

i plan on not every taking another day for granted and hope to live every day from here on out with that same feeling and understanding of how truly blessed i am.  my hope for you, if you are reading this, is that you make some time in the very near future to go out and enjoy something extraordinarily simple and cherish it for what it is... a gift.