blabber blabber blabber...

     i am a fan of Hemingway and i think it is time to pick up one of his books and stroll through that instead the stuff i have been lately.  i like his work very much.  i have read a few of his books and most, if not all, of his short stories.  i think that i have put him on hold for so long for a good reason though.  once i have read all his work then what.  once you finish all of them that's it.  there won't be any more.  it's like having a rare wine.  open it, finish it and then that's it.  you can't run to the store and buy more or go online and order more.....it's just gone.  anyway.

     my co-worker just played a quote on his computer from John Lennon.  something to the effect of...."  i am not afraid of dying because i don't believe in it, it's just like getting out of one car and getting into another.."  he said this in his last interview.  that's just kind of crazy.  i hope he believed in what he was saying.

     i feel better today than i have in the past few weeks.  making better decisions, having better days, those days lead to weeks and so on.  i hate to be shallow but it's also nice to be smiled at.  i don't really need to flirt and hooking up would be a world of useless trouble.  but when some one smiles at you and you can tell that it's heart felt and says more than just hello it's nice.  i think i am a pretty simple guy and that's usually all it takes for me to have a warm and fuzzy feeling for a while.  anything more than that is wasteful, glutenous and pointless.  from what i understand it's all pretty healthy to.

     i am bored.  sitting here at work is boring.  i guess i could work.  lord knows it's there and not going anywhere.  as a matter of fact soon we are going to need some materials that i should have had completed by now.  i am still probably not going to do it though.  funny huh?  i was just talking about making better decisions.  they'll get over it.

     my avocado plant is doing well.  i was gone for a week and then it just popped up.  really, from pretty much nothing to a five inch tree.  i think that's pretty good for a week.  wonder what happened.  i think that maybe by talking to it i gave some carbon dioxide that it needed.  yeah..... maybe not.  no matter how many times i spell avocado i always spell it wrong.  this last time i read the corrected spelling as i typed.

     it's a really nice day.  hate to be inside.  gonna see if i can figure out a way to leave early.  i'll pretend that i am james bond and i need to get out of this russian military installation without being seen.  then when i get to school to finish some paper work i need to do for the va, i'll pretend to be james bond pretending to be wil sanchez.  they'll never see it coming.

     no, i am not high.  just having fun.  used to do it all the time when i was a kid.  just because i am 32 means i can't pretend anymore?

      (i took a little break and made the mistake of answering the phone)  i wish sometimes that the person that is supposed to be my best friend would act like my best friend a little more.  i mean really.  i have to fight against all kinds of stuff pretty much non stop.  why does she have to pile on.  i hate when i feel like my "significant other" is stifling.....well....me.  i am not allowed to run around and be me because i am gonna catch shit.  i can feel myself shaking it off already though.  i am in to good a mode to let this drag me down.

     anyway.  it's time for mr. bond to make a break for it.  wish me luck.  if i am not back in two days.......i won the lottery, don't come looking for me.

......

...... he slid and shifted his weight, moving slowly from elbow to hip...hip to hand...hand to butt.  as he sagged back against the red brick wall of a mediocre building that cut the world off from this dingy ally he noticed a piece of glass sticking out of his palm.  with all the pain he was in the glass shard and it's attempt to add discomfort were inconsequential.  "not good" he thought only half interested in his dreamy daze.  his attention was drawn upward at the hulking mass of his ox like attacker.

     the man in a gruff and distant voice, "ready?".

     "shit no." he thought as he slowly came to realize the severity of his situation.  it was not a beautiful day, this was not a good place.  but for all his good intentions and attempts and heroism he knew.  this would be the time and place.  for a fleeting moment he began to regret his futile attempts, started to get pissed off at the fact that he wasn't going to come away from this one with the big win.  it was only a second and then he let it slip away as he did with so many things.  his thoughts became more lucid... "that wasn't the point, you knew there was no winning this.  be happy that you let them know not everyone will lay down for them.  you planted the seed of fear, and it's gonna grow like a bitch."  the ox shifted his weight snapping jack out of his self appeasing thought.  he, the ox, was clearly impressed and was being more gracious than he knew was safe.  "screw your grace", the thought that pushed jack to his answer.  he gave a broken but genuine smile and slowly coughed up a laugh.  it was his last act of defiance.  he was going to give them the finger one more time.  the more he thought about how it would piss them off the harder he laughed.

"son of bitch" muttered the ox with a half smile of his own as he closed the distance between them.........

first day

      first day of school went well.  at first i thought i was not going to like either of my profs.  but i was able to over look my preconceived notions and my first impressions of them ended up being good.  i think that my economics teacher is very intelligent.  he also seems to have a good idea of how to "control" his class and (to me) that means we (the people really there to learn) will not have to put up with as many disturbances (i say with fingers crossed).  recently i have been feeling like there is "nothing new under the sun".  i like it very much when you learn something new.  you know one of those moments when you feel yourself suck in a breath and hold it as epiphany hits you.  i have a new toy to play around with in my head as i watch the world silently from my intentionally un-noticeable vantage point.  not just a 1 +1 = 2 thing, but an idea that you can apply to just about any situation and explain why it is going to happen, why it did happen or why the inverse did not happen.

     the only other thing to say about the first day is that it feels weird to be a little older than the rest of your class.  one in particular probably had not a person over 20 other than me and the professor (or is that the professor and i?).  i've been through so much in my life that i don't know if i can relate to these kids.  to them every thing under the sun is new and in a way i can see them taking it for granted.  i wish i could go back to a time when everything was new and shiny.  i might enjoy it more, not that i didn't at the time.  hmmm.  in any case, i think back to classes that i had when i was younger and i am glad i made the decision to intentionally talk to the older folks so that they didn't feel so uncomfortable.  time well spent.

Wil

grand scheme.....?

       these days it's easy to get lost.  we run around and get all tangled up in the every day life.  it happens more often then we think and if unchecked it can end up running our lives.  we are not weak for letting it happen, we are part of the herd though, sadly.  think about when rain falls.  one drop after another, at first only milling about in the street just wanting to be traipsed threw by happy little feet.  but then before you know it they start working their way toward a "goal", the drain.  funny, all that work to go no where.  and as more and more rain falls they go from a trickle to a rush and ultimately a flood that can up root even the biggest of trees.  we are no different.  on our way to work we are happy (or should be) to have a job.  then some one passes us and that makes us want to pass the slow ass in front of us....."doesn't he understand how important it is that i get to work at exactly 0700?".  there are these days and then the days when you just feel like crap.  nothing is going as planed, your job sucks, people suck, the world is in a never ending downward spiral and we are circling the drain.

     so what's the magic thought that pulls me out of the craper.  "i am meaningless."  not in a self hate, i wear black and cut myself kind of way.  but in a....nothing in the universe shifted and we are going to collide with the sun kind of way.  a thought that makes me feel so small and trivial also makes me feel at ease and safe.  when i get to work at 0715 instead of 0700 i look up at the sky, let go of my angst and laugh when i realize that no part of it is falling apart.  in the truest sense of it, the things that we are soooo worried about truly are of little or NO importance.

  i am a crumb on gods table cloth looking up at him as he chomps away sloppily at his blt.  less, in the grand scheme of things i am a speck of dust in the corner under a dresser and the things that i am worried about are meaningless.  there is some sort of comfort in this.  i can go back to just being a kid, i can let go of my worries, i can go outside and splash in the rain.  the sky is not going to fall.

new book, books?...

     so i picked up Sherlock Holmes complete works volume one.  is that many books in one or do i have to read the entire thing before it counts as one?  the later puts me in a bind if i hope to achieve my goal of 50 books in one year.  this may not sound like a big deal but it is something that has started to mean more and more to me.  i have found, (and i hate to say this for fear that just saying it will reverse it but) that i am enjoying reading more.  for a person like me it is a big deal.  i have never really been able to "find myself" so learning new things about me is exciting. 

     the total miles yesterday ended up being 13.  not a lot but good for a start.  i am looking forward (believe it or not) to the cold of tomorrow morning and the positive feelings that come from cycling through it at 0500. 

     if i can keep these two simple things up i will be miles ahead of where i was last year.  i think that reaching the small goals will help me to earn the confidence and learn the discipline it will take for larger ones.

OT....

       so the holidays are over and now it's time to get it in gear.  i have allowed myself to eat, drink and be merry.  i feel the consequences (accept, not regret, them) and am ready to unleash some whoop ass.  this morning began at 0500 with a 5 mile bike ride.  short but not with out strain.  it was an up hill battle, literally.  unfortunately i forgot to take some chicken breast out of the fridge so the lean mean life style will officially begin tomorrow.  that's not to say that i will be eating crap today, just not amazingly healthy.  also, on my birthday in november i decided that i would be reading one book a week for a year.  i had slipped in the beginning due to the fact that i didn't really find anything that i liked reading but recently found a genre that has kept me interested.  i read two books in three days which, considering my schedule, is pretty good for me.  that brings the total to five books in seven weeks, more on that later. 

        i am also glad to say that my school schedule is set and while i am not getting to take my numero uno picks, i am making head way and i am looking forward to the challenge.  the goal for the rest of forever is to remain focused, positive and ever diligent (or at least to learn intensely from my "mistakes"). 

       i will try to write as often as possible.  with the kids, school, a new position added to my old and the dribble of every day life it may prove taxing, but i am up to the challenge. 

wil-inator OUT!