sometimes when i am alone and thinking way to much, as i often do, i miss the "hard times". i remember when i was in the marines we used to do all this physically crazy shit. run 10 miles to the beach, swim a mile and then run back. the "bone" runs were always fun. we'd run with this telephone pole that had rope handles. a few miles. then sit in some stagnant pond water in the middle of january at like 2200 hrs. the water was freezing and you'd have to get out and do jumping jacks or up downs to get warm(ish) again. then run back to the barracks and get sprayed with a hose while you are being thrashed. or the beach weeks. sand everywhere, cold, wet, hungry, tired. those were the good times. when the pain was just physical and not really confusing. "i know why my back hurts, because this is tough shit!" this getting to know yourself stuff is much more difficult. it's not easy to shine a light down into the dark places that we all have and try to clean it out. what if you can't? what if you have more dark than light? i see now why so many people are living in the dark, not wanting to see what's wrong, choosing to be blind, using drugs and alcohol to fog things up. i also know now why i have, in a way, put it off for so long. i am much more strong now and if anyone can handle it it's me. i have never had it easy and pretty much have always been my own counselor. it would just be nice to hear his voice, just once. like they say they do in the movies. the truth is i hear that other guys voice more. not like an actual voice mind you. but when his hand is working something against me i can see it clear as day. "hey....wait a minute, this is that other guy trying to mess with me." it would be much more easy to see and battle if it were to happen like in the movies, you know an all out attack, demons poring out of the sink or some crap. but him showing his face only makes it more obvious that the man upstairs is real to. guess i'll just have to wait like everyone else to see and hear him. i really hope to have him touch me on the shoulder one day and say "you did alright kid, you did alright."
well, enough of my weird head space rambling. head space dump complete!!
"we are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. the world is all gates, all opportunities." ~ralph waldo emerson~
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